Gratitude

What I'm going through right now is not fun at all. I know that in retrospect, this will all be a learning experience and won't be as bad as it seems, but right now, I'm owning my pain. There really is no way around it. You need to feel it, to let it course through your system. It's the only way it will find a way out.

It's been a big clash of emotions for me lately. My mind and heart can't seem to connect yet, and even though we probably did what was best, my innate emotion-driven self keeps saying, but we can do better next time, let's just give it a chance.

I feel like we tried so hard, both of us. Against all the odds, against life telling us we shouldn't be together. We both gave it what we could, and I wish life could have just given us a break, been fair, let us have it because we really deserved it.

But I'm old enough and have been through enough to know that regardless of how much you want something and how hard you try, there are no guarantees of the outcome. Life will throw curveballs at us when we least expect it, and it will happen forever.

I also know that the struggle is the blessing, it's what keeps us growing, it's what makes us better people, stronger, more resistant to being destroyed. At our lowest, we can only think of going up, there is no other way, and when you climb all the way to the top, it makes you appreciate everything you've been through.

So, I've decided, that in order for me to get a better perspective of the whole situation, I've decided to come up with things I'm grateful for.

1. I'm grateful for Ananda. Without her, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I would have forgotten that life is a marathon, not a sprint. She is the reason I want to pick up my head everytime I lose it. She reminds me of what life is really about. She is shaping me into the person i was meant to be.

2. I'm grateful for my family. They are always there for me. They cheer for me when I succeed and pick me up when I fall. They love me unconditionally, and that kind of love is hard to find.

3. I'm grateful for my ability to write. It helps me when I need to heal, it keeps me company when I need it most. When I'm happy, it gives me a way to express it. It really is a gift, and I'm thankful I can also help other people.

4. I'm grateful for my friends. I know they don't always know how I feel, I know they can't always be there for me every second of the day, but I appreciate every bottle of wine they've brought for me, every cigarette, every funny story, every hug, every second they've allowed me to talk about it and every text they've sent asking how I'm doing.

5. I'm grateful for my rocky experiences in the past. Because of them, I have more confidence that things will always be ok, regardless of what the situation is right now. Although it doesn't make it easier, it helps me remember that it isn't forever.

6. I'm grateful for all my work. I'm one of the lucky people who can do what she enjoys and earn from it. I get to travel, meet amazing people, and many times I'm the recipient of great products. I can't imagine myself surviving as a corporate slave. I'm really, truly thankful.

7. I'm grateful for the signs and answers that the universe sends me through random people. I've had so many realizations, recieved so many answers or just plain felt better after brief conversations with strangers or lengthy discussions with unexpected people.

8. I'm grateful that I have a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear and the finances to buy things to make my life more comfortable, travel if I want to and be able to give my daughter a happy childhood, buy nice gifts for people dear to me and just make day to day living easier in general.

I'm still stumbling in the dark now, but I know I'll find a way out eventually. For now, I'll just sit tight, and wait for the storm to pass...

Velentine Shmalentine '08

Valentine's Day has never really been that important to me. I've always hated how we're expected to show some great gesture of love on one particular day-and a day when everyone else is doing the same thing. Like I said in past Valentine blog entries-I would rather be shown random acts of love on an ordinary day, when it's really a surprise and no pressure to do so.

This day is just another excuse to jack up prices of chocolate, flowers and jewelry. It has nothing to do with loving anybody. If i disliked Valentine's day in the past-I REALLY hate it this year!

So, I decided to boycott Valentine's Day by buying horror movies for my PIZZA-WINE-DVD MARATHON tonight. I have The Omen, Exorcist, Underworld, Vampires lined up and Scarface and Goodfellas on standby. I have numerous bottles of wine ready and Melt Away mints (MY FAVORITE!) for dessert.

NEW CHAPTER, NEW HAIR

Girls are known to do something really drastic with their appearance when they end a relationship. I've chopped my hair off numerous times after a big break-up, or gotten a tattoo to commemorate a new chapter in my life. Some people get piercings, girls who don't wear make-up get make-overs, we get digiperms or go blond-whatever it takes to separate that girl in that relationship from the girl right NOW.

This time, I decided to grow my hair instead. Louis Kee of Razzle Dazzle in Makati put these gorgeous hair extensions on me. They are supposed to last around 3-4 months but I'm not sure about actually keeping them on for that long. It's made of real hair and you can style it like you would your own hair. He lightened my hair a bit also to match the extensions, and although I was a bit aprehensive at first-because I swore never to dye my hair again-I ended up realizing after a few days that hair a little lighter than my natural color actually suits me better. It doesn't look as harsh against my fair skin, and I don't need as much eyeliner to define my eyes either.

So, yes. I love it! Will swish my hair around while it lasts! :)

This other "change" is not really a post break-up thing. I was actually planning it for months and months already, and even asked him to come with me to get it. It just so happened that the day I scheduled for turned out to be 3 days after we broke up, making everyone think this is the product of that, but for the record-it isn't!
Ew. Ignore how yucky my foot looks in this picture and focus on my lovely new tattoo. It's almost two weeks old and not fully healed yet. I love it! It's actually a memorial tattoo for my lola Alice, who passed away in 2002. I was really close to her and she used to have a collection of orchids (hence the catleyas), and the lillies of the valley represent me-it's may's birthflower. It's my biggest tat so far, and my most painful one at that. For those who have low tolerance for pain, never ever get a tat on this spot. You'll die.

My sister had a happy valentine's day though-she just called me five minutes ago screaming because she saw Daniel Johns walking in Circular Quay. She shouted that she loved him and he smiled and waved.

Can I die of jealousy now?

11 days and counting...

11 days.

God. The agony of being newly broken up. The weeks go by in slow motion and the days are even worse. Don't get me wrong, I am not falling apart. I repeat, I am NOT falling apart-but I am very emotional and sad. How can I not be? I'm mourning the end of a relationship I invested a lot of time and feelings on, not to mention the constant jetlag and adjusting due to flying back and forth between Sydney and Manila.

I'm not pretending that I have any clear idea of how I feel about the whole thing right now. I'm admittedly still confused, wondering if we did the right thing, missing him, trying to understand his side, figuring out whether I could have done anything different, sorry for the times I wasn't exactly the model girlfriend, and forgiving him for the times he wasn't a perfect boyfriend.

It's not like anything bad happend. Nobody cheated on anybody or anything like that. I think that's what makes it worse, because now I keep second guessing my decision and swaying from one side of the spectrum to the other. This freakin' sucks.

Unlike other past exes who could have moved away or died without me caring, I actually still feel like our differences can be worked out, maybe just not right this second. But then again, this is just me. I have no idea how he feels.

I just want to be completely ok. Like i said, I am not falling apart, but there is definitely something that has been off about everything for me lately. I can't go ten minutes without thinking about what happend, or him, or that day, or some nice thing that happend in the past. I try to push it away and most of the time, I manage because Im busy but at the end of the day, when Im no longer surrounded by people and Ananda is asleep, that's when it really hits me.

I was reading old emails, looking at pictures from the past two years (and gosh there are a whole lot!) and I felt melancholic, but was smiling through my tears as i remembered certain trips or occasions because of the pictures. We were a funny, unexpected pair. We were so different from each other, but for some reason, maybe that's what kept us wanting to try.

I know I haven't been this open about my personal life in a long time, and I made a vow not to anymore when I closed my old blog, but right now I don't care. I'm sad. I'm missing someone very much, and right now, I'm just at a loss for what step to take next.

In the meantime, I'll drown myself in taking care of Ananda and work. He doesn't read my blog, but in case he ever does-I really hope you are ok. And I miss you very much. :(

Crazy little thing called Love

I learned recently that it doesn't matter what the reasons are, or who brought it up or who decided it, the fact of the matter is, losing someone special in your life, whether it's your friend, boyfriend or husband sucks.

I wish I could go back to being a teenager, or even my early twenties when all that mattered to me was me. I was allowed to be selfish and absorbed with only Erica because I was young and single. Now that I have a child, I willingly accept that I need to put her ahead of everything else. It's not even a choice. But how lovely would it be to be able to be young and in-love, with no need to be logical or practical. You could stay with someone just because you are crazy about each other. As we get older, that changes. We start thinking about values and if we are on the same path. We start assesing our relationships to see whether we have the same goals and if we are compatible in the long run.

Suddenly, you come to terms with the fact that love in itself is a great thing, but it might not be enough to sustain a relationship, especially one whos members seem to be at different points in their lives. It's sad to let someone go when you are still in love with each other, even sadder than if you have an obvious reason like infidelity or abuse. I keep thinking whether or not I made the right decision and if there really is no reason to go on. I keep second guessing myself and wondering if we're both just being proud and refuse to compromise.

But as I learned from the past, life goes on and all will be well in the end-regardless of what the outcome. Perhaps time and space is all we need, and if that fails, then maybe it was the right thing to do.

Rock n' Roll Buddy

I've been trying to get back into the groove of real life, after being away not having to do anything for almost a month.

First of all, work has been good. I finished a lot of my assigned stuff before I even left so right now I'm just finishing off whatever else I didn't get to do pre-vacation. On the first week I was back, my Ateneo girls and I scrambled to pull off a JOINT SURPRISE PARTY for both Patring and Gina, whose birthdays are only weeks apart.

Originally, it was suppose to be the week after I arrived to give us more time BUT I was suddenly assigned to cover an event in Davao, so we had to rush everything on the week I got home.

It was the most stressful day ever! Everything was set. We were going to have it at Fiama on January 18, Friday. I told Gina it was some event or other, and she didn't suspect a thing because she always comes with me anyway. Patring was a bit trickier but I aske dher officemates to tell her there was an event she had to attend for her magazine.

Then all of a sudden at like 4 pm on the day of the party, Patring calls me and says she's tamad to go so she's skipping the event. I kept my composure while talking to her and panicked the minute I put the phone down. I made hella calls and just waited and waited-until finally at around 745 pm, she called me and said she had to go after all.
The birthday girls getting tipsy tipsy tipsy! (This is a still normal picture of Gina. I won't event show the progression from sober to gone)
Vicky and Bea! I missed you both while I was away! Vicky became a co-conspirator with out her realizing it haha!
Some Ateneo friends and my main partner in pulling this whole thing off-Amina with her new short 'do!

Then the next week, I had to fly out to Davao from Thursday-Sunday for a Nivea event at Pearl Farm. I must admit that I was not in the mood to go at first. I had just gotten back and wanted to stay put for awhile. By the end of the trip though, i knew I would have regretted not going. I had so much fun, and even joined in the games-something I normally don't do when I go to these beach events.
The last night before the pool throwing started. Me with Tatum of People Asia (who I stole this photo from) and Pam from Marie Claire
The second night on Malipano island with Pam. I swear we weren't drunk! REALLY.
The Pink Nivea Visage team. We won first place all-around and we were the only team with mostly women. Yay for us!
Some of my favorite people from the trip! Wanggo, Brad and Tatum a.k.a. The Bitches of Eastwick hahaha

My horoscope says I have lots of travel in the cards this year. I hope that's true! Thanks to my Tita Rosanne who is giving me her Mabuhay Miles! Now, I just have to decide where I wanna go!

Life is good. Rock n' Roll!

REALITY CHECK

So...I'm back in the real world-or at least MY real world for now. I spent a month in Sydney with my family and friends and it was the best time I've had in a while.

Last few days were spent:
On a yacht, cruising around Sydney. Fortunately, I didn't get sea sick! And Ananda had so much fun!
At Cronulla Beach with the family-minus my mom who had the sudden urge to clean the house.
At Featherdale-again! We were supposed to go to the aquarium but Ananda kept saying she wanted to feed the kangaroos. Hay.
Melt at King's Cross with Sydney friends. Before that, had dinner with Lisette, Vince, Tim and Mio at the Codfather in Stanmore. Good food, but couldn't finish it!
My last day was spent at Bicenntenial park in Homebush at a picnic for Ala and Nino with friends and family.

Now I'm back in Manila and I'm half happy to be back at work and being productive, but I'm also kinda sad because now I don't know when we'll be a complete family again ;(

2007 year end Survey

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Live in a different country from my whole family. Ay wait. I have na pala. Ok, Live in a different country, with a daughter, without my family!

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't like making New Year's resolutions. I forget them or end up not following them.I'd rather see what fits along the way....

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My cousin's girlfriend gave birth to the cutest baby!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Nope not this year (Thank You God!)

5. What countries did you visit?
I was back and forth Manila-Australia and also went to Guam
With my siblings and Ananda by the Sydney Opera House during one of our Family Field Trips
Guam's Pleasure Island, the strip for luxury goods-with other people from the press :)

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
TIME for myself.

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Probably June 3, 2007-because Boogie threw me a surprise birthday party on his birthday!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Managing my time between Metro, TKLV, makeup, Boogie, friends and being Ananda's mom

9. What was your biggest failure?
Again, being an immigrant ;p

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing serious, but that flu I got while in Dumaguete was pretty horrible

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Plane tickets!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Ananda, of course! She's really turning out to be a little girl!
She likes to dress herself in very Carrie Bradshaw-ish outfits and ask me to take her picture.

13. Whose behaviour appalled you and made you depressed?
Let's not name names hehe. But let me just say, girls will be girls will be girls....

14. Where did most of your money go?
Travel, Ananda's stuff, Gas, Celphone

15 What did you get really, really, really excited about?
This kid loves vintage and going back to editorial work

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Straight Lines by Silverchair

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? Happier, busier but happier.
ii. thinner or fatter? The same. My weight goes up and own but it's usually around a 5 lb difference.
iii. richer or poorer? Richer!
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?


19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Procrastinate!

20. How will you be welcoming the NEw YEar?
We'll be in Prince Alfred Park in Parramatta with Ananda, my parents and the Moraza's. Don't wanna leave Ananda so not going to the city.
22. Did you fall in love in 2007? Yes, with onions. Never liked them before, now they are in everything I cook.

23. How many one-night stands?
None!

24. What was your favourite TV program?
Miami Ink!, America's next top Model, Grey's Anatomy, Food shows like Jamie Oliver, Anthony Bourdain, Bizarre Foods and Iron Chef!
I love tattoos and I think it's my secret wish that I could be as inked up as these guys.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Not really. I stopped hating people a long time ago. They piss me off, yes, but I don't hate anymore.

26. What was the best book you read?
The devil and Miss Prim by Paulo Coelho

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Not new artists, but the Common and Alicia Keys cds that came out this year were dope. I've been on an old school trip this year.

28. What did you want and get?
To open my little store, to work in editorial again and write to my heart's content, to be able to travel to and from sydney.

29. What did you want and not get?
To go back to London. I'm planning that for 2008. Also to win the Powerball :)

30. Favorite film of this year?
Pan's Labyrinth (I dunno if it came out this year but I watched it this year), Factory Girl, Notes on a Scandal. I dunno I can't think of any more.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I went to Opera Bar with Sydney Friends, then Chinatown the next day for lunch with family. Then when I got back to Manila, Boogie threw me a surprise party/joint party because it was his birthday too.
At Opera Bar for my birthday where my brother was ambushed by my friends! Sinuwerte sya! hahaha

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
being able to travel all over the world with Boogie, Ananda and friends
Well, at least I got to go to Dumaguete with Ananda and Boogie and Vicky wa smy roomate at The Tides Launch

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
As usual, a mix of boho-street-comfortable. Boots made a come back, as did heels.

34. What kept you sane?
Ananda-who at the same time also made me insane.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Johnny Depp. Can you blame me?

36. Who is your real-person crush?


37. What political issue stirred you the most?
I try not to pay attention to politics

38. Who did you miss?
My family in sydney. Friends and my lola Alice

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Lisette! Waddup girl! :)

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
You can't control how others think, act or feel-but you can work on yourself

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year
"Get in your car and drive, you never know what you just might find, on this road of life-are you livin' or just along for the ride?"-The Procussions

*****AND LASTLY!!!
1) GOALS/DREAMS FOR THE NEW YEAR:
I wanna get to London somehow, just for holiday, expand This Kid loves Vintage hopefully.

2) PREDICTIONS FOR THE NEXT YEAR ON:
A. LOVE –
Big decisions need to be made

B. CAREER -Big dreams, big decisions!