Live and Learn

I've been thnking a lot lately and here are a few things I learned in the past few years a.k.a. my own Relationship 101:

1. Never rearrange your life for somebody you are in a relationship with. If you were planning to live abroad, do it. If you wanted to go back to school, then study. Don't move to a different country for a girl/guy unless you have concrete plans to get married, otherwise, you might end up not knowing what you want anymore when the relationship doesn't work out. That said, I don't regret my 2 years, sometimes-long distance relationship with Boogie, or moving back to Manila. I just learned that I'm never going to do that again.

2. Don't just fall into a relationship. Be conscious of every decision you make with the other person, and what you are getting yourself into. If early in the relationship you realize that this guy doesn't possess certain qualities that are important to you, or even worse, has qualities that are dealbreakers for you, end it as soon as possible. Obvious examples can be cheating. lying, disrespect, not so obvious is fear of commitment. Since you don't really talk about it until later on, you don't find out until later on-when you are madly in love and try not to care. But there are signs. Ask about former relationships and stuff like that. You'll get an idea of where his head is at.

3. Trying your best doesn't guarantee that the outcome will be favorable. Some things are beyond your control. You can't control how another person will react or feel about a situation, and you also can't make another person apologize for being the way he/she is. Sometimes people just don't fit, no matter how hard they try. It could be because they are in different stages in life, and they can check back later on-although I wouldn't count on it, or just because they are so fundamentally different, they can't find common ground.

4. Don't be jaded if a relationship doesn't work out. There are billions of people on earth. So one hurt you, and you hurt another. It's not the end of the world, and it doesn't mean everyone will, even if it sure feels like it for a few months after.

5. Don't get into a relationship if you are not ready. Just because he/she is cute, nice, respectful and has a million qualities you like, if you aren't ready, then what can you possibly have to offer? Even after you have had time to heal from the last, you need time to be on your own too.

6. When you choose to love, do it 100%. It's the only way to go. Be smart but don't overthink. Just enjoy the ride.

7. Forgive but don't forget the lessons you learned. After going through heartbreak, we discover this renewed strength, this passion for life we forgot about and find our way back to our original path, and then you meet someone new, and there all that goes!

8. You can use your head without compromising what you feel, and you can use your heart without losing your head.

9. If you really love somebody, you want them to be happy and live their dreams, even if they don't necessarily involve you.

10. Give yourself a break. Stop thinking it's all your fault if it didn't work out. Give yourself time to mourn and grieve. Be with friends who don't mind hearing your thoughts over and over. Don't stop until you find that love inside yourself again. We'll always be ok.

Time Out

They say the best way to go through a break up is to do stuff totally unrelated to the person.

So the past two weeks I have:
Invited my friends over to drink , gossip, laugh, smoke and generally just spend time together.

I went out for the first time on Friday last week. At first I didn't want to and when I got there I was so masungit and mad at the world. But little by little, friends, kurrant 7 and hip hop changed all that and I had fun.
Ive also been spending a lot of time with Ananda. I bring her almost everywhere I go and she hasn't left home to sleep at her dads place once since it happend. Today is the first day and Im getting separation anxiety.
I tried something new. I had a shoot at Sm Bowling Center and we decided to try it out after. It's actually fun hehe. I won't quit my day job though ;p

I decided that although I can't help my emotions and how I feel, I can totally choose to NOT drown in depression. Instead of just sitting here and being depressed, I can do other, more productive things with my time. I'm allowing myself to go through the process without it totally taking over my life. I let it for a couple of weeks, but now it's time to just get on with it. My emotions are still majorly swinging back and forth but I just keep thinking of my goal-w/c is to feel great again-and it seems worth going through.

I still miss him so much, but yeah, I think it's time to take care of me.

Gratitude

What I'm going through right now is not fun at all. I know that in retrospect, this will all be a learning experience and won't be as bad as it seems, but right now, I'm owning my pain. There really is no way around it. You need to feel it, to let it course through your system. It's the only way it will find a way out.

It's been a big clash of emotions for me lately. My mind and heart can't seem to connect yet, and even though we probably did what was best, my innate emotion-driven self keeps saying, but we can do better next time, let's just give it a chance.

I feel like we tried so hard, both of us. Against all the odds, against life telling us we shouldn't be together. We both gave it what we could, and I wish life could have just given us a break, been fair, let us have it because we really deserved it.

But I'm old enough and have been through enough to know that regardless of how much you want something and how hard you try, there are no guarantees of the outcome. Life will throw curveballs at us when we least expect it, and it will happen forever.

I also know that the struggle is the blessing, it's what keeps us growing, it's what makes us better people, stronger, more resistant to being destroyed. At our lowest, we can only think of going up, there is no other way, and when you climb all the way to the top, it makes you appreciate everything you've been through.

So, I've decided, that in order for me to get a better perspective of the whole situation, I've decided to come up with things I'm grateful for.

1. I'm grateful for Ananda. Without her, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I would have forgotten that life is a marathon, not a sprint. She is the reason I want to pick up my head everytime I lose it. She reminds me of what life is really about. She is shaping me into the person i was meant to be.

2. I'm grateful for my family. They are always there for me. They cheer for me when I succeed and pick me up when I fall. They love me unconditionally, and that kind of love is hard to find.

3. I'm grateful for my ability to write. It helps me when I need to heal, it keeps me company when I need it most. When I'm happy, it gives me a way to express it. It really is a gift, and I'm thankful I can also help other people.

4. I'm grateful for my friends. I know they don't always know how I feel, I know they can't always be there for me every second of the day, but I appreciate every bottle of wine they've brought for me, every cigarette, every funny story, every hug, every second they've allowed me to talk about it and every text they've sent asking how I'm doing.

5. I'm grateful for my rocky experiences in the past. Because of them, I have more confidence that things will always be ok, regardless of what the situation is right now. Although it doesn't make it easier, it helps me remember that it isn't forever.

6. I'm grateful for all my work. I'm one of the lucky people who can do what she enjoys and earn from it. I get to travel, meet amazing people, and many times I'm the recipient of great products. I can't imagine myself surviving as a corporate slave. I'm really, truly thankful.

7. I'm grateful for the signs and answers that the universe sends me through random people. I've had so many realizations, recieved so many answers or just plain felt better after brief conversations with strangers or lengthy discussions with unexpected people.

8. I'm grateful that I have a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear and the finances to buy things to make my life more comfortable, travel if I want to and be able to give my daughter a happy childhood, buy nice gifts for people dear to me and just make day to day living easier in general.

I'm still stumbling in the dark now, but I know I'll find a way out eventually. For now, I'll just sit tight, and wait for the storm to pass...

Velentine Shmalentine '08

Valentine's Day has never really been that important to me. I've always hated how we're expected to show some great gesture of love on one particular day-and a day when everyone else is doing the same thing. Like I said in past Valentine blog entries-I would rather be shown random acts of love on an ordinary day, when it's really a surprise and no pressure to do so.

This day is just another excuse to jack up prices of chocolate, flowers and jewelry. It has nothing to do with loving anybody. If i disliked Valentine's day in the past-I REALLY hate it this year!

So, I decided to boycott Valentine's Day by buying horror movies for my PIZZA-WINE-DVD MARATHON tonight. I have The Omen, Exorcist, Underworld, Vampires lined up and Scarface and Goodfellas on standby. I have numerous bottles of wine ready and Melt Away mints (MY FAVORITE!) for dessert.

NEW CHAPTER, NEW HAIR

Girls are known to do something really drastic with their appearance when they end a relationship. I've chopped my hair off numerous times after a big break-up, or gotten a tattoo to commemorate a new chapter in my life. Some people get piercings, girls who don't wear make-up get make-overs, we get digiperms or go blond-whatever it takes to separate that girl in that relationship from the girl right NOW.

This time, I decided to grow my hair instead. Louis Kee of Razzle Dazzle in Makati put these gorgeous hair extensions on me. They are supposed to last around 3-4 months but I'm not sure about actually keeping them on for that long. It's made of real hair and you can style it like you would your own hair. He lightened my hair a bit also to match the extensions, and although I was a bit aprehensive at first-because I swore never to dye my hair again-I ended up realizing after a few days that hair a little lighter than my natural color actually suits me better. It doesn't look as harsh against my fair skin, and I don't need as much eyeliner to define my eyes either.

So, yes. I love it! Will swish my hair around while it lasts! :)

This other "change" is not really a post break-up thing. I was actually planning it for months and months already, and even asked him to come with me to get it. It just so happened that the day I scheduled for turned out to be 3 days after we broke up, making everyone think this is the product of that, but for the record-it isn't!
Ew. Ignore how yucky my foot looks in this picture and focus on my lovely new tattoo. It's almost two weeks old and not fully healed yet. I love it! It's actually a memorial tattoo for my lola Alice, who passed away in 2002. I was really close to her and she used to have a collection of orchids (hence the catleyas), and the lillies of the valley represent me-it's may's birthflower. It's my biggest tat so far, and my most painful one at that. For those who have low tolerance for pain, never ever get a tat on this spot. You'll die.

My sister had a happy valentine's day though-she just called me five minutes ago screaming because she saw Daniel Johns walking in Circular Quay. She shouted that she loved him and he smiled and waved.

Can I die of jealousy now?

11 days and counting...

11 days.

God. The agony of being newly broken up. The weeks go by in slow motion and the days are even worse. Don't get me wrong, I am not falling apart. I repeat, I am NOT falling apart-but I am very emotional and sad. How can I not be? I'm mourning the end of a relationship I invested a lot of time and feelings on, not to mention the constant jetlag and adjusting due to flying back and forth between Sydney and Manila.

I'm not pretending that I have any clear idea of how I feel about the whole thing right now. I'm admittedly still confused, wondering if we did the right thing, missing him, trying to understand his side, figuring out whether I could have done anything different, sorry for the times I wasn't exactly the model girlfriend, and forgiving him for the times he wasn't a perfect boyfriend.

It's not like anything bad happend. Nobody cheated on anybody or anything like that. I think that's what makes it worse, because now I keep second guessing my decision and swaying from one side of the spectrum to the other. This freakin' sucks.

Unlike other past exes who could have moved away or died without me caring, I actually still feel like our differences can be worked out, maybe just not right this second. But then again, this is just me. I have no idea how he feels.

I just want to be completely ok. Like i said, I am not falling apart, but there is definitely something that has been off about everything for me lately. I can't go ten minutes without thinking about what happend, or him, or that day, or some nice thing that happend in the past. I try to push it away and most of the time, I manage because Im busy but at the end of the day, when Im no longer surrounded by people and Ananda is asleep, that's when it really hits me.

I was reading old emails, looking at pictures from the past two years (and gosh there are a whole lot!) and I felt melancholic, but was smiling through my tears as i remembered certain trips or occasions because of the pictures. We were a funny, unexpected pair. We were so different from each other, but for some reason, maybe that's what kept us wanting to try.

I know I haven't been this open about my personal life in a long time, and I made a vow not to anymore when I closed my old blog, but right now I don't care. I'm sad. I'm missing someone very much, and right now, I'm just at a loss for what step to take next.

In the meantime, I'll drown myself in taking care of Ananda and work. He doesn't read my blog, but in case he ever does-I really hope you are ok. And I miss you very much. :(

Crazy little thing called Love

I learned recently that it doesn't matter what the reasons are, or who brought it up or who decided it, the fact of the matter is, losing someone special in your life, whether it's your friend, boyfriend or husband sucks.

I wish I could go back to being a teenager, or even my early twenties when all that mattered to me was me. I was allowed to be selfish and absorbed with only Erica because I was young and single. Now that I have a child, I willingly accept that I need to put her ahead of everything else. It's not even a choice. But how lovely would it be to be able to be young and in-love, with no need to be logical or practical. You could stay with someone just because you are crazy about each other. As we get older, that changes. We start thinking about values and if we are on the same path. We start assesing our relationships to see whether we have the same goals and if we are compatible in the long run.

Suddenly, you come to terms with the fact that love in itself is a great thing, but it might not be enough to sustain a relationship, especially one whos members seem to be at different points in their lives. It's sad to let someone go when you are still in love with each other, even sadder than if you have an obvious reason like infidelity or abuse. I keep thinking whether or not I made the right decision and if there really is no reason to go on. I keep second guessing myself and wondering if we're both just being proud and refuse to compromise.

But as I learned from the past, life goes on and all will be well in the end-regardless of what the outcome. Perhaps time and space is all we need, and if that fails, then maybe it was the right thing to do.