Gratitude

What I'm going through right now is not fun at all. I know that in retrospect, this will all be a learning experience and won't be as bad as it seems, but right now, I'm owning my pain. There really is no way around it. You need to feel it, to let it course through your system. It's the only way it will find a way out.

It's been a big clash of emotions for me lately. My mind and heart can't seem to connect yet, and even though we probably did what was best, my innate emotion-driven self keeps saying, but we can do better next time, let's just give it a chance.

I feel like we tried so hard, both of us. Against all the odds, against life telling us we shouldn't be together. We both gave it what we could, and I wish life could have just given us a break, been fair, let us have it because we really deserved it.

But I'm old enough and have been through enough to know that regardless of how much you want something and how hard you try, there are no guarantees of the outcome. Life will throw curveballs at us when we least expect it, and it will happen forever.

I also know that the struggle is the blessing, it's what keeps us growing, it's what makes us better people, stronger, more resistant to being destroyed. At our lowest, we can only think of going up, there is no other way, and when you climb all the way to the top, it makes you appreciate everything you've been through.

So, I've decided, that in order for me to get a better perspective of the whole situation, I've decided to come up with things I'm grateful for.

1. I'm grateful for Ananda. Without her, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I would have forgotten that life is a marathon, not a sprint. She is the reason I want to pick up my head everytime I lose it. She reminds me of what life is really about. She is shaping me into the person i was meant to be.

2. I'm grateful for my family. They are always there for me. They cheer for me when I succeed and pick me up when I fall. They love me unconditionally, and that kind of love is hard to find.

3. I'm grateful for my ability to write. It helps me when I need to heal, it keeps me company when I need it most. When I'm happy, it gives me a way to express it. It really is a gift, and I'm thankful I can also help other people.

4. I'm grateful for my friends. I know they don't always know how I feel, I know they can't always be there for me every second of the day, but I appreciate every bottle of wine they've brought for me, every cigarette, every funny story, every hug, every second they've allowed me to talk about it and every text they've sent asking how I'm doing.

5. I'm grateful for my rocky experiences in the past. Because of them, I have more confidence that things will always be ok, regardless of what the situation is right now. Although it doesn't make it easier, it helps me remember that it isn't forever.

6. I'm grateful for all my work. I'm one of the lucky people who can do what she enjoys and earn from it. I get to travel, meet amazing people, and many times I'm the recipient of great products. I can't imagine myself surviving as a corporate slave. I'm really, truly thankful.

7. I'm grateful for the signs and answers that the universe sends me through random people. I've had so many realizations, recieved so many answers or just plain felt better after brief conversations with strangers or lengthy discussions with unexpected people.

8. I'm grateful that I have a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear and the finances to buy things to make my life more comfortable, travel if I want to and be able to give my daughter a happy childhood, buy nice gifts for people dear to me and just make day to day living easier in general.

I'm still stumbling in the dark now, but I know I'll find a way out eventually. For now, I'll just sit tight, and wait for the storm to pass...