11 days.
God. The agony of being newly broken up. The weeks go by in slow motion and the days are even worse. Don't get me wrong, I am not falling apart. I repeat, I am NOT falling apart-but I am very emotional and sad. How can I not be? I'm mourning the end of a relationship I invested a lot of time and feelings on, not to mention the constant jetlag and adjusting due to flying back and forth between Sydney and Manila.
I'm not pretending that I have any clear idea of how I feel about the whole thing right now. I'm admittedly still confused, wondering if we did the right thing, missing him, trying to understand his side, figuring out whether I could have done anything different, sorry for the times I wasn't exactly the model girlfriend, and forgiving him for the times he wasn't a perfect boyfriend.
It's not like anything bad happend. Nobody cheated on anybody or anything like that. I think that's what makes it worse, because now I keep second guessing my decision and swaying from one side of the spectrum to the other. This freakin' sucks.
Unlike other past exes who could have moved away or died without me caring, I actually still feel like our differences can be worked out, maybe just not right this second. But then again, this is just me. I have no idea how he feels.
I just want to be completely ok. Like i said, I am not falling apart, but there is definitely something that has been off about everything for me lately. I can't go ten minutes without thinking about what happend, or him, or that day, or some nice thing that happend in the past. I try to push it away and most of the time, I manage because Im busy but at the end of the day, when Im no longer surrounded by people and Ananda is asleep, that's when it really hits me.
I was reading old emails, looking at pictures from the past two years (and gosh there are a whole lot!) and I felt melancholic, but was smiling through my tears as i remembered certain trips or occasions because of the pictures. We were a funny, unexpected pair. We were so different from each other, but for some reason, maybe that's what kept us wanting to try.
I know I haven't been this open about my personal life in a long time, and I made a vow not to anymore when I closed my old blog, but right now I don't care. I'm sad. I'm missing someone very much, and right now, I'm just at a loss for what step to take next.
In the meantime, I'll drown myself in taking care of Ananda and work. He doesn't read my blog, but in case he ever does-I really hope you are ok. And I miss you very much. :(
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9 comments:
awwwwwww
what happened.
-cam, been a reader since 2005
well, I got personal but would still like to keep some things to myself :) hope you understand...
hey erica,
i know i shouldnt say this, but i know exactly how you feel. me and my ex broke up five months before our wedding. its good to know that you are not falling apart. give yourself time to grieve, and feel the pain. you will be stronger in the end.
Chin up!
i know, yeah. sorry for sounding like i am a bestfriend or a close friend haha. yeah of course i understand :)
it was jes my expression and way of saying, damnit that was unexpected, you seemed too happy being together. so as your reader, i was shocked.
:) you will get through it like YOU DID BEFORE, im sure.
Hey lovely,
the fact that you can write about it, reflect on it and look at old photos/emails and NOT be falling apart means you've probably already started the healing process...
but I guess that doesn't mean it dulls the pain... i think you'll need shots of jaeger for that one!
:p
xox Sette
hi erica, i've been a reader of your blog and your sister, and I was really shocked coz u and ur bf really looked inloved together, I'm always always sad everytime I heard or read a story like this because I'm afraid that it will happen to me too (God forbid), anyway you may not know me but from the bottom of my heart I really wish that everything will be okay soon. You take care of yourself and I'm pretty sure he also misses u
breaking up with someone you love is one of the hardest things in life.
when my only child broke up with his first girlfriend i thought how dare her,without thinking how she must have been feeling as well. anyway, now they're back together and could not be any happier. have i mentioned that they are only in their teens, 15 to be exact?
Hi Erica. I have also been a fan of your blog for quite some time now- which I want to thank you for because you've brought me a lot of smiles during the troubled phases in my life.
Life, oh life. I hope things get better for you, Erica. My thoughts are with you.
this is probably my favorite entry of yours to date (maybe because you opened up nga, but whatever) and i empathize with you. missing someone is the hardest thing sometimes. hang in there.
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