The process of learning and experiencing cannot be rushed.
I'll miss the lessons if I don't practice patience.
The struggles are what make us stronger and better people.
Life has it's ways of putting you back on your path when you throw yourself off it.
I'm aware of my pain, but also aware that it won't last forever.
The Universe has plans for me that I have yet to understand.
And when I do I'll look back and it will all make sense.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Monday, March 24, 2008
Relapse
You know when you were a kid, and you were getting anxiety attacks, but at that time you didn't know what they were called, and all you knew was that you wanted to just hide under the covers and stay there because you didn't know what to do with yourself?
I think I'm semi in that place right now. Everytime I think I'm feeling better, I take two steps back. My best friend keeps reminding me that what I'm going through is normal and I just need to give it time. I know all that already, and what I wish is that I could stop myself from feeling anything.
Even just being in this country is a huge, blinking, loud siren reminding me. And now, all of a sudden, I feel like I have no reason to be here anymore. But, I also feel lost, like what am I supposed to do? Should I stay and stick it, following my plan of staying until mid next year? or should I just leave everything behind-again and for real this time-now?
My emotions keep toying with my mind. The two just won't seem to meet. I feel anger creeping in and I keep trying to stop it. Anger towards him, towards me and the situation. I feel anger because I allowed myself to listen to my emotions so much, towards him and his insecurities and issues, everything. I'm angry that I left my family and missed out on so much-just to feel like this now, angry that I feel so out of control right now.
I need to change my reasons now. Redirect my energy to things that weren't really a priority for me when I moved back. I have to make those things my priorities now. Otherwise I'll go crazy and be sad even longer.
A word of advice. When you've broken up with someone, and you both still have feeling for one another, it is never a good idea to see each other, unless you have intentions of working things out. Otherwise, you are prolonging the healing process and you'll never get over each other and dig an even deeper hole. Besides, i realized that if something makes you feel this bad, then you are better off without it. Easier said than done, I know, and even if I haven't been followiing my own advice-which is probably why I'm in this predicament now, I know it's the right thing.
It's my lola Alice's birthday today. I miss you. I know you are watching over me. I really need a favor right now, please help me?
I think I'm semi in that place right now. Everytime I think I'm feeling better, I take two steps back. My best friend keeps reminding me that what I'm going through is normal and I just need to give it time. I know all that already, and what I wish is that I could stop myself from feeling anything.
Even just being in this country is a huge, blinking, loud siren reminding me. And now, all of a sudden, I feel like I have no reason to be here anymore. But, I also feel lost, like what am I supposed to do? Should I stay and stick it, following my plan of staying until mid next year? or should I just leave everything behind-again and for real this time-now?
My emotions keep toying with my mind. The two just won't seem to meet. I feel anger creeping in and I keep trying to stop it. Anger towards him, towards me and the situation. I feel anger because I allowed myself to listen to my emotions so much, towards him and his insecurities and issues, everything. I'm angry that I left my family and missed out on so much-just to feel like this now, angry that I feel so out of control right now.
I need to change my reasons now. Redirect my energy to things that weren't really a priority for me when I moved back. I have to make those things my priorities now. Otherwise I'll go crazy and be sad even longer.
A word of advice. When you've broken up with someone, and you both still have feeling for one another, it is never a good idea to see each other, unless you have intentions of working things out. Otherwise, you are prolonging the healing process and you'll never get over each other and dig an even deeper hole. Besides, i realized that if something makes you feel this bad, then you are better off without it. Easier said than done, I know, and even if I haven't been followiing my own advice-which is probably why I'm in this predicament now, I know it's the right thing.
It's my lola Alice's birthday today. I miss you. I know you are watching over me. I really need a favor right now, please help me?
Monday, March 17, 2008
Re-learning
I'm starting to have genuine fun again-as opposed to the forced going out and getting drunk to forget fun that I was having the past month.
I'm starting to feel alright on my own, and although I have pangs of missing once in awhile, I finally feel like a separate entity from him already. that's the toughest part-still feeling connected even if you are no longer connected. I think I made it through ok. It sucks though coz when I see him i still find him so cute. Haha. Well, I guess I always will.
It really helps that I have great friends and family-and that I was raised in a loving and supportive home, which made me into a confident person. And when shit happens, and that confidence wanes a bit, I'm able to bounce back.
One thing I learned about myself is that I have this quality that is typical of my Taurus sign. In general, I'm not fearful of adventure or new things, but when there are changes that involves me and a loved one, be it a family member, boyfriend or friend, it's hard for me to go through those changes. I try, and eventually I'm ok, but it's a long, hard process for me. And I realized I am as afraid of leaving people behind as I am of being left behind. When I care about someone or love, I'm there 100%, so seeing that go away is totally devastating for me.
So, like I said, I'm lucky that growing up, it was made clear to me that it's always ok to make mistakes, and that failure is inevitable, or now I seriously might be in a really bad place.
Ananda had her moving up day at school last week. I can't believe how big she is already and that she's going to be in Kindergarten already. Crazzzzzzzzzy!
My cousin Sandro got married to his longtime girlfriend Sheng last Saturday and Ananda was a flower girl!
Between the Paredeses and Riveras I wonder how there was space for anybody else in that church!
Walking into the reception as Mr. and Mrs. Alejandro Paredes! Congrats guys!
Attended Express yo delf yesterday at Fully Booked in Bonifacio High Street. Chill Sunday Afternoon with good music, good company and open bar!
Dinner at Chelsea after gettign drunk off Bacardi Cokes ;p Many pictures along the way hehe
I'm starting to feel alright on my own, and although I have pangs of missing once in awhile, I finally feel like a separate entity from him already. that's the toughest part-still feeling connected even if you are no longer connected. I think I made it through ok. It sucks though coz when I see him i still find him so cute. Haha. Well, I guess I always will.
It really helps that I have great friends and family-and that I was raised in a loving and supportive home, which made me into a confident person. And when shit happens, and that confidence wanes a bit, I'm able to bounce back.
One thing I learned about myself is that I have this quality that is typical of my Taurus sign. In general, I'm not fearful of adventure or new things, but when there are changes that involves me and a loved one, be it a family member, boyfriend or friend, it's hard for me to go through those changes. I try, and eventually I'm ok, but it's a long, hard process for me. And I realized I am as afraid of leaving people behind as I am of being left behind. When I care about someone or love, I'm there 100%, so seeing that go away is totally devastating for me.
So, like I said, I'm lucky that growing up, it was made clear to me that it's always ok to make mistakes, and that failure is inevitable, or now I seriously might be in a really bad place.
Ananda had her moving up day at school last week. I can't believe how big she is already and that she's going to be in Kindergarten already. Crazzzzzzzzzy!
My cousin Sandro got married to his longtime girlfriend Sheng last Saturday and Ananda was a flower girl!
Between the Paredeses and Riveras I wonder how there was space for anybody else in that church!
Walking into the reception as Mr. and Mrs. Alejandro Paredes! Congrats guys!
Attended Express yo delf yesterday at Fully Booked in Bonifacio High Street. Chill Sunday Afternoon with good music, good company and open bar!
Dinner at Chelsea after gettign drunk off Bacardi Cokes ;p Many pictures along the way hehe
Monday, March 10, 2008
The Bora weekend
I went to Bora over the weekend with Ananda, and it was so nice and quiet. The whole swarm of Holy Weekers weren't there yet, but there were enough people to make it not so lonely.
A piece of unsolicited advice to those who want to get away to FORGET-well, it doesn't work. I learned that no distance or beach or anything can really make emotional turmoil go away-nothing except TIME can do that. So, I actually think in retrospect that I'm in a much too vulnerable state to actually have run off by myself like that, and 1/2 of the time, I kept thinking of him. Argh. I swear memories are like rashes that just won't go away! Aside from the Tides Launch, my last Bora trip was with him, and everywhere I looked reminded me of him, and it was so annoying! Plus we really liked going to the beach in general, so yeah now that I think about it, I shouldn't have gone yet or I should have at least had a bunch of people with me.
Don't get me wrong, I had a blast with Ananda, but there was a lot of down time for me to just think, even if I didn't want to, and that kind of sucked. Although, in a way, I think I'm switching from being depressed to the aversion phase. Argh. I know I need to be more patient and I just keep thinking that ok It sucks, but from day 1 to now, it doesn't suck as much anymore, and someday it won't suck at all. Gosh, I can't wait.
What made the trip all worth it, is that the little girl enjoyed herlsef so much. According to her, "Boracay is the most beautiful beach in the world"- like mother, like daughter I guess :)
A piece of unsolicited advice to those who want to get away to FORGET-well, it doesn't work. I learned that no distance or beach or anything can really make emotional turmoil go away-nothing except TIME can do that. So, I actually think in retrospect that I'm in a much too vulnerable state to actually have run off by myself like that, and 1/2 of the time, I kept thinking of him. Argh. I swear memories are like rashes that just won't go away! Aside from the Tides Launch, my last Bora trip was with him, and everywhere I looked reminded me of him, and it was so annoying! Plus we really liked going to the beach in general, so yeah now that I think about it, I shouldn't have gone yet or I should have at least had a bunch of people with me.
Don't get me wrong, I had a blast with Ananda, but there was a lot of down time for me to just think, even if I didn't want to, and that kind of sucked. Although, in a way, I think I'm switching from being depressed to the aversion phase. Argh. I know I need to be more patient and I just keep thinking that ok It sucks, but from day 1 to now, it doesn't suck as much anymore, and someday it won't suck at all. Gosh, I can't wait.
What made the trip all worth it, is that the little girl enjoyed herlsef so much. According to her, "Boracay is the most beautiful beach in the world"- like mother, like daughter I guess :)
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Savior Complex
I realized that a lot of women, myself included are guilty of this. We see something wrong with a guy, we think we can fix it. We see potential that he isn't using, we try to fix it. He has issues, we try to fix it. In the end we realize we can't and we feel like we somehow failed. I guess what we have to learn is that it's not our responsibility to fix our partner's life, and the only person who can do that is himself.
What happens is that you start to blame yourself and think everything is your fault. It becomes, as ugly as it sounds, a project. If you succeed, you feel good, if you don't, you wonder what you did wrong. The thing is, you didn't do anything wrong, except maybe spoonfeed and live for the other person, when really they should learn for themselves. If he's lazy, let him be lazy, but you should still go and follow your dreams. If he has anger issues, let him be mad at the world, but don't try to change the world to suit him, because that won't help in any way.
We aren't their mothers or psychologists. It's not up to us to change how they view the world, themselves or to fix their ugly parts. We're not the Ghostbusters who are responsible for getting rid of their monsters. We fought our own demons, they should fight theirs, not just because it takes its toll on us to do all this for them, but also because it will benefit them in more ways than one to do it themselves.
I found some old journals the other day, and I was flipping through them and was amazed at my insights and thoughts. I felt like a was relearning so many forgotten lessons-and from-of all people, my younger self! I've been feeling so much better lately, and life is starting to look good to me again.
I'm off to Bora on Friday, but this time, with the little girl. She's never been there so I'm excited to take her for a little mommy-daughter mini-holiday.
xoxo
What happens is that you start to blame yourself and think everything is your fault. It becomes, as ugly as it sounds, a project. If you succeed, you feel good, if you don't, you wonder what you did wrong. The thing is, you didn't do anything wrong, except maybe spoonfeed and live for the other person, when really they should learn for themselves. If he's lazy, let him be lazy, but you should still go and follow your dreams. If he has anger issues, let him be mad at the world, but don't try to change the world to suit him, because that won't help in any way.
We aren't their mothers or psychologists. It's not up to us to change how they view the world, themselves or to fix their ugly parts. We're not the Ghostbusters who are responsible for getting rid of their monsters. We fought our own demons, they should fight theirs, not just because it takes its toll on us to do all this for them, but also because it will benefit them in more ways than one to do it themselves.
I found some old journals the other day, and I was flipping through them and was amazed at my insights and thoughts. I felt like a was relearning so many forgotten lessons-and from-of all people, my younger self! I've been feeling so much better lately, and life is starting to look good to me again.
I'm off to Bora on Friday, but this time, with the little girl. She's never been there so I'm excited to take her for a little mommy-daughter mini-holiday.
xoxo
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