You know when you were a kid, and you were getting anxiety attacks, but at that time you didn't know what they were called, and all you knew was that you wanted to just hide under the covers and stay there because you didn't know what to do with yourself?
I think I'm semi in that place right now. Everytime I think I'm feeling better, I take two steps back. My best friend keeps reminding me that what I'm going through is normal and I just need to give it time. I know all that already, and what I wish is that I could stop myself from feeling anything.
Even just being in this country is a huge, blinking, loud siren reminding me. And now, all of a sudden, I feel like I have no reason to be here anymore. But, I also feel lost, like what am I supposed to do? Should I stay and stick it, following my plan of staying until mid next year? or should I just leave everything behind-again and for real this time-now?
My emotions keep toying with my mind. The two just won't seem to meet. I feel anger creeping in and I keep trying to stop it. Anger towards him, towards me and the situation. I feel anger because I allowed myself to listen to my emotions so much, towards him and his insecurities and issues, everything. I'm angry that I left my family and missed out on so much-just to feel like this now, angry that I feel so out of control right now.
I need to change my reasons now. Redirect my energy to things that weren't really a priority for me when I moved back. I have to make those things my priorities now. Otherwise I'll go crazy and be sad even longer.
A word of advice. When you've broken up with someone, and you both still have feeling for one another, it is never a good idea to see each other, unless you have intentions of working things out. Otherwise, you are prolonging the healing process and you'll never get over each other and dig an even deeper hole. Besides, i realized that if something makes you feel this bad, then you are better off without it. Easier said than done, I know, and even if I haven't been followiing my own advice-which is probably why I'm in this predicament now, I know it's the right thing.
It's my lola Alice's birthday today. I miss you. I know you are watching over me. I really need a favor right now, please help me?
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4 comments:
hi --
i'm going through something similar right now.
so desperate to get out of my rut (because it was almost irritating) that i talked to my father. my father and i are very close and he knows everything that's going on in my life but when i talked with him, i asked him how it made him feel when he sees his babygirl broken.
and knowing how my father felt snapped me out of it.
i love my father and i only realized how much until that talk -- that i was willing to be better, force myself to be well for him.
i guess in the midst of all these pain, although we know and acknowledge that we are surrounded by people who love us, we lose sight of what this does to them, how it affects them. i've scars in my heart that have prevented me from feeling other people's pain kasi that's what scars do, protect you after you've healed pero it's thcker that's why it's harder to penetrate.
sana may diamond peel for the emotional scars no? para wala nag remembrance. badge of honour sya, yes pero i don't want to be reminded all the time kasi eh.
daddy said, when you cut, cut clean. i agree (but you dont have to). between emotional gangrene and amputation, the latter is the lesser evil.
im glad i happened upon this blog. there's a strange sense of comfort knowing that the universe is not picking on me, or on any of us ... that these shit happen. and shit, you flush :)
be well.
i'll be on my way but i hope to travel this way again.
-P
Hi...i do agree with P- wholeheartedly. We fail to realize at the height of our pain that we are not an island and what ails and pains us is the very same thing that will hurt the people who truly love us. Perhaps looking at it in that perspective will shift the focus away from you and you will have a bigger purpose and reason to HEAL other than just YOU (please do not feel like i minimized your importance here).It now becomes a mission somewhat. Dont worry about relapsing, like anything in life, grieving is a process. You cant rush it so you'd feel better ASAP. We have no choice but to ride the storm til sunshine breaks through..and it will! Before daybreak though, we have to go through the darkest hour just before dawn.Hang in there. And i do believe in making a CLEAN CUT. It is excruciatingly painful but the pain is not the PROTRACTED kind you would likely suffer if you do it otherwise. And dont make hasty decisions now when everything is so confusing and your emotions are in turmoil. And lastly, pray--HE wouldnt necessarily make all your troubles go away but HE will give you the grace to face each day and the peace that passeth all understanding. Take it day by day and cultivate joy at the moment.
sincerely--V
helo...
i feel like crying when i read through your entry...cuz im going through the same thing...(good thing im at the office poring over boring sales stats!)
it comes in waves...and its true what you said about not seeing each other...in my case, ive decided to cut any form of communication until im sure with myself that i can talk to him without breaking down a minute after...
its been almost 2 weeks after the no-talking-to-him move and even if it kills me not to say hello to him i feel that im doing myself a favor, something im thankful for deciding to do so...
i think i can even say that im happier after that...it does take time and a mountain of effort to move on...and that's why we have family and close friends to help us cope with situations like this...
il definitely include you in my prayers...god bless to you and your little angel ^__^
you amaze me because you are not afraid to show who you really are. some people dont want to write down this stuff in fear of being judged but you are so honest and i love you for it!! :) moving on is always hard.. we KNOW..i guess right now u just have to go on with your life. you have your beautiful daughter to take care of whose needs are more impt than yours...wish you all the best :)
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