The past few years have been a bit crazy in a quiet way. On the outside, everything seemed normal, but I was so confused. I couldn't even decide whether I wanted to live in Sydney or Manila. I couldn't make any decisions for my future because I just kept going back and forth, doing freelance work in both places, but not really knowing what to do with my life.
I made that first step and finally decided on a few important things:
1. I wanted to live in Manila.
2. I loved editorial work and I couldn't imagine life without writing and magazines involved.
3. I wanted to start my own business. A small one, but something that could act as an outlet for both creativity and stress, and would also make me some extra cash on the side.
Leaving my family to live in another country (actually, to come back home) wasn't an easy decision, and it wasn't done on impulse either. It gets lonely being in Manila alone (With Ananda of course, but you know what I mean), with my dad coming and going and being with the entire family only a few weeks per year (and on this trip we're only really complete for just a week total), but at the same time, I am happy to be making my own decisions, to be relying on myself to figure my life out and to be going through situations that I feel are completely MINE.
I've always been independent, but even more I learned to fend for myself, emotionally more than anything else. I'm grateful that I have been blessed with a great circle of friends and relatives that definitely are my support system and act as my crutches in times of need.
I turn 30 in 2009, and for the first time in my life, I feel good about getting older. My spirit remains young, but I feel like I've been through enough to make me wiser, know when to fight for something and when to take things in stride. I know what is good for me, and peer pressure no longer affects me. I can take failure, even if I still don't like it. I strive to be a better version of myself everyday. I've accepted that this is who I am, this is what I was dealt with, and you know what, it ain't so bad. I also know that things change, people change, and everything I'm probably so sure of now will eventually change as well.
I don't usually make resolutions, because I find that I forget about them soon after the new year begins, but I have a few things that I want to keep in mind in 2009:
- I will remain grateful for all my blessings. I get a lot of them, possibly more than the average person. I get to see more new places in a year than some people do in five, I am not swimming in money, but I am doing better than a lot of others. I have a job that I love and that has perks that most other jobs don't. I am surrounded by people who love me and who I love dearly, ones that make me laugh, listen when I cry and are just generally a joy to be with and have in my life.
- I will nurture relationships that are important to me and that help me grow. I'll end ones that don't. I don't need the extra stress and my time and effort can be diverted to more important things.
- I will be more patient. I know that this is not one of my strong suits, but being a mother, and a single one at that, this is something I really need to work on.
- I will remain a non-smoker. No ifs or buts.
- I will stop trying to control everything that happens in my life. I already made this resolution earlier this year (and even got a tattoo to remind me!), but it's worth it to say it again, just to remind me.
- I will be happy, unconditionally. I will try to stop feeling like i "need" things all the time. I don't think I'll ever stop wanting, but I will stop thinking that wanting=needing. Life will probably be less complicated that way.
To all of you who have made a difference in my life the past few years, thank you! To my friends and family, I don't get around to saying it much, but I love you. (I always am thinking it! ;p)
